Annelize Visser

Gigantic juicy burgers served with a side of profanity will make you want to go back for more.

Food

Most burgers come with chips. At the Dog’s Bollocks they come with stupendous chips and a large helping of cheerful haranguing from your waitress, who one hopes will moderate her language based on cues from her customers, but who also may not.

This burger joint in a former panel beater’s shop is famously gritty, the burgers are just famous, and the vibe wonderfully anarchic. There are four kitchens with overlapping opening hours, but as a rule of thumb you should come early for breakfast at Mucky Mary, turn up around lunchtime for The Bitch’s Tits, at any time at all for The Dog’s Bollocks, and from 11am onwards for the innocuous-sounding Pizza Warehouse.

You could start with chicken wings (choosing from three basting sauces and seven dips, which could take a while), or go straight to the Bollocks burgers. You share responsibility for your meal in several ways: A person nominated by your party will write their name on the blackboard and will be summoned (i.e. someone will yell their name) to ferry the burgers to your table.

Then there are choices to be made: beef, chicken or – heaven forbid – vegan? Would you like prego sauce with that? Or would you prefer your burger smothered in spicy chilli con carne with red kidney beans, or in a nacho cheese sauce with home-pickled jalapeños? It matters little: They all cost the same, the server will declare you’re a genius for choosing whatever it is, and they’re all bloody good.

There might be a chocolate brownie on offer to end off with, but the burgers will leave little room.

Drinks

It’s no BYO, but if you turn up with something special from your cellar, there’s a good chance the staff will be so surprised they’ll let you get away with it. The wine list was composed by someone who thought it highly likely you’d prefer a beer or a cocktail instead, which you should.

Service

The service is edgy, risky and right on brand. Drinks arrive promptly; getting the food to your table is of course entirely your business and the atmosphere encourages you to endeavour to do your very best.

Ambience

It’s a bit raucous and you’re either going to love it or hate it. If the former, have an extra cocktail to celebrate finding a place you want to hang out at all the time. If the latter, suck it up and don’t come back.

Best for…

A party starter ahead of a boisterous night out.

(August 2019)

Eat Out critics dine unannounced and pay for their meals in full. Read our full editorial policy here.