“But butter is one of our editorial pillars!” argued an Eat Out team member when a heretic brought up the notion of air-frying in a recent meeting. On the face of it, you might think that buffets, like butter, waffles and Speckled Eggs, might also form part of our belief system. After all, buffets involve food – lots of it – in an impressive array of guises. They also share a name with the best character in Friends (although Phoebe spells her surname differently) and one of the richest men in the world (somebody should tell Warren he’s pronouncing his surname wrong), and they allow for eccentric eaters to combine their favourite flavours, judgement free.

But, despite these fantastic recommendations in their favour, I would vote against adopting buffets into our canon of worship. In fact, I would posit that the buffet is the single worst offender in the realm of foodie first-world problems. Here are 10 highly scientific causes for anguish at the buffet table:

1. When the curry sauce from the butter chicken flows over the pickled fish and gets the chicken pot pie pastry all soggy

We need plates with compartments, people!

Compartmentalised plates: clearly the way forward

2. When everything on offer reminds us of the eighties

It’s baffling, when you consider the incredible creative possibilities offered by the buffet table, that the majority of their creators choose to serve seventeen different kinds of mayonnaise-y noodles. (I refuse to use the term ‘pasta salad’.) Have you ever seen three kinds of coleslaw on a proper menu? Tuna mayo sandwiches adorned with whole bunches of grapes? Cubes of cheese on toothpicks, rolls of clammy cold ham or baked beans straight out the tin? No? That’s because nobody would ever order these things. For some reason, though, it’s perfectly acceptable to serve them on a buffet table.

The greater spotted buffet hedgehog, demonstrating inexplicable powers of levitation.

3. When you end up with enough food to feed five fully-grown rugby players

Your mom would say that your eyes are bigger than your stomach, but that’s a physical impossibility. Science, however, tells us that variety makes us greedy. Researchers using multicoloured M&Ms found that people measured out 12% more if the candy was multicoloured. This problem is exacerbated by the all-you-can-eat buffet.

What a lot we got. Photo: by Jaafer Alnasser.

4. When you try to get your money’s worth at the all-you-can-eat buffet and fail dismally

In game theory, there’s a concept called utility that defines the value and satisfaction a consumer gets from something. If you are full, then food no longer has utility for you. In fact, if you continue to eat it, it starts to have negative utility. So unless you have a Herculean appetite – or manage to smuggle salmon roses out in your handbag – it’s basically impossible to get the true value of an all-you-can-eat buffet. It’s a lose-lose situation.

The game of noughts and crosses had taken a sinister turn.

5. When the handles of the spoons fall into the potato salad

Mayonnaise hands! Icky!

Disaster strikes.

6. When you arrive a few hours into service and the chicken casserole is a mess of stringy meat and congealed gravy

With the possible exception of juicy stews, very few food stuffs are actually improved by prolonged warming. Meat and fish become sinewy and tough, and three hours in a heated tray on the breakfast buffet will transform even the lightest, fluffiest scrambled egg into something with roughly the appearance and texture of degraded rubber.

Chicken casserole, three hours in.

7. When all the feta has been picked out of the salad, and somebody has scraped all the mince out from underneath the mashy blanket of the cottage pie

People are the worst.

A tragic state of affairs.

8. When you aren’t allowed to serve yourself and have to rely on somebody else to correctly gauge how much dressing you would like on your salad

The anxiety!

Jessica’s smiles concealed a dark urge to give you the smallest piece of steak.

9.When you select a portion of chicken nuggets and they are actually fish balls

(Hint: there are no chicken nuggets! They’re always fish balls!)

Employ a buffet buddy system with advance tasting to avoid confusion.

10. When you witness the bulk potato salad being decanted into bowls, from a vast, white bucket

It can’t be unseen; no matter how much parsley they put on top.

Artist’s impression of potato salad being poured.